Fallen angel.

A poem for those grieving a loved one's suicide.

Fallen angel.

1

i'm so mad
at you
for killing
yourself

but
i'm more mad
at myself for not
answering
your texts

2

you told
your mother
you were
going out
to buy
cigarettes

and then
you threw
yourself
headfirst
off the roof
of her flat

3

the next
morning
she made breakfast
for you,
and she waited
for you
to come out
from your room

she opened
the windows
to let in
the summer air

and that's how
she found you

4

my grandfather
had you
in his sixties

i remember
being very young
and my mother,
trying to
explain to me
that you
were my uncle

i couldn't comprehend it

5

you were just
six years
older than me
and so
i viewed you
less as an uncle,
and more
as a brother

there was a period
in my life,
where i wanted
nothing more
than to make you
proud

6

when i was in
the seventh grade,
you moved in
with my parents
to finish out
your senior year

while my existence
felt awkward
and strange,
you seemed
to have it all
figured out

i followed you around
like a puppy dog

7

every day
i would watch you
lace up your
running shoes
and take off
down the driveway

and disappear

you would be gone
for what seemed
like an hour,
only to return,
out of breath
but glowing,
as if you had found
peace somewhere
in the place
you had gone

8

one day
you invited me
to go with you
and i told you
there was no way
i could run
as far as you ran

but you insisted 
that i go
and so i went
to appease you

9

you ran
and i followed
but i couldn't keep up

i will never forget
how patient you were
with me

you slowed your pace 
to what seemed
like a walk
and when that wasn't
slow enough,
you jogged backwards,
and in circles

10

when you thought
i had more to give,
you nipped at my heels
like a cattle dog

and when you knew
i was struggling,
you remained quiet
but ever present

you were with me
every step of the way

11

three miles later,
we returned
to the house
and jumped
into the swimming pool
out back

to this day,
i've known
no greater feeling
than to have done something
i thought was impossible
with someone
who i looked up to
like an older brother

12

when i emerged 
from the water, 
you smiled at me
and you said:

now you just have to
do it again tomorrow

i didn't know it
at the time, 
but you were teaching me
how to survive

i've been running ever since

13

you became 
an addict
and you hurt
a lot of people
you loved,
including me

but you were brilliant
and you were tormented,
as most addicts are

you felt so deeply
and you suffered
tragedy after tragedy

many by
your own hand

14

since you
took your life,
i have asked myself
a hundred times
what i could have done
to convince you
otherwise

that is where
my mind has been
and that is where
my mind will stay

15

i still run, sam

i run at night,
to dodge the glare
of the hot summers
here in tennessee

i have a loop
that circles
my neighborhood
in cleveland park

it's exactly three miles

16

when it starts 
to hurt,
i run as fast as i can,
letting the moisture
catch in the corners
of my eyes
until the world
becomes 
a gorgeous,
painless blur

17

and in this blur,
i catch glimpses
of myself
reflected off
the sleek black windows
of the parked cars
that line the sidewalks,

the streetlights
hanging over them
like mourning mothers

18

and when
i'm all but blinded
by the wind
and the sweat
and the tears,

i can see you, sam

i can see you
running next to me

19

and as we fall
into stride,

you smile at me
and i smile back

and
i tell you that
i am mad at you

and
i tell you that
i miss you

and
i tell you that
i'm sorry

20

and
i tell you that
i love you

and
i tell you that
i love you

and
i tell you that
i love you

and
i tell you that
i hope you
find peace
in that place
you disappeared.

By Cole Schafer